This tends to be an annual tradition for my birthday. I like to spill some ink on the blog about becoming another year older. “Kim Thoughts”– if you will. So goodbye 25, and hello 26! Here are some random thoughts I have about myself, my life and aging- on this, the last day of me being 25.
Why do I feel like I’m basically 30? Why are my twenties going by so fast!?
Why is the only reason that 26 feels significant is because I am getting kicked off my mom’s insurance? I was excited to turn 24 because it was my golden birthday. I was excited to turn 25 because it’s a quarter of a century. But since I graduated college, I’ve been anxious over turning 26 because of this large burden hanging over my head about having to pay for my own health insurance now. Shout out to the F**KED up American Healthcare system. Maybe I should make this post a tribute to all the wonderful things my mom’s amazing health insurance has granted me over the years (see jaw surgery and my super cool new therapist as examples).
26 feels like a forgotten year. Is anyone ever 26 in books or movies? Or do we always just go from 25 to 27? Maybe even 30? Why do I feel really close to 30 right now-and why does that not seem terrifying anymore?
Hey don’t get me wrong- I hate when things change and I especially hate when things end. That is the core reason as to why I cry over almost every book I read. Because the story is over! Because it ended! Clearly my twenties are not over, and I don’t actually think my youth will magically disappear once I turn 30. My favorite quote has always been:
What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.
I think Anne Frank said that.
I guess what this year has recently taught me is that some things get better with age. Maybe not physically (because lately I’ve been looking at old photos of myself from college and thinking DAYUMMM! Why was I so insecure when I looked like THAT.)
There are some beautiful things that come with age. Like getting to know yourself better. Like being more sure of yourself. Like figuring out who you are and learning not to care what people think. I’m big on “practice makes perfect” and the more practice I get out of life, year after year, I’m convinced I’ll get really good at this life thing eventually.
I don’t like to make these birthday posts about “what I did this year” because that seems a little pointless after doing virtually nothing in 2020. Plus, the success of a year should not be measured in productivity or adventure (as much as my Type 3 Enneagram would like to think so). There were definitely some big landmarks for 25, but some of those I would really like to forget. For my birthday posts, I like to recall how I am feeling overall when I look back over the year and how I am feeling right now, my last day of being 25.
My 25th year had very high highs and very low lows – but I try to take comfort in knowing that every bad thing that happened this year taught me something that I can take with me into the next year. Maybe I’m just trying to be optimistic about the pain and struggles we go through as people and want to think it’s not all just for the sake of suffering.
I’m sorry if a lot of this sounds vague and mysterious. I’m a big oversharer, but not every one of my life event needs to be posted on my blog. Friendly reminder that I only share with you what I want to share with you, and you will never have the full picture and that is okay!
The other day I was at a wedding and I was on a bus by myself from the hotel to the wedding. I was chatting with a friend of a friend who was sitting behind me and then I had this random, reflecting thought that I put in my notes app that said “note to self: I am so grateful for who I am”. I didn’t write down anything else, and didn’t really think about it for the rest of the night. But then I revisited the note a few days later and I’m honestly laughing at myself now. Not even 5 days earlier from when I put that in my notes app, I was texting a friend at 2am that I think there is something seriously wrong with me and who I am.
I am grateful for who I am.
Not “I am grateful for the life I lead” not “I’m grateful for those in my life” and not “I’m grateful for the opportunities I have”. I was just really thankful for who I currently am as a person, because that is the reason I have everything else. I hope that doesn’t sound narcissistic. But I really do believe because of my history, my goals, the way I interact with people, my passions, my attitude and just who I am is the reason for every single thing in my life.
I definitely don’t like myself all the time and I consistently worry that there is a lot wrong with me. But the idea that I can just be grateful and thankful for myself gives me a lot of peace. The reason I have everything I have is because of who I am. And sometimes, I am all I have, so I need to take care of myself and do what I want.
That definitely has not always been the case for me. I care a lot about what people thing. I am a people pleaser. I care a lot about what people expect of me and I try really hard to make people happy. This past year, I have spent a lot of time trying to reprogram my brain to not think like that anymore. It’s hard, but I’m getting better with age baby!
So obviously these feelings are fleeting and consistently changing. That tends to be the theme for every birthday post of mine. There are definitely ups and downs in every year. But as long as there are more good days then bad, then I’m good. And I tend to appreciate just the mediocre, medium days more too as I get older.
So what am I taking away from 25? Making self love a priority- probably. I mean, I did get a tattoo of the word “ME” in a heart on my wrist. I’m hoping I carry that selfishness and narcissism with me in 26. People say your twenties are supposed to be your selfish years. And I am looking forward to it.
OH! And I did sign up for new health insurance (begrudgingly). In case anyone was wondering.
Thanks for reading! xx