I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I look in photos vs how I look in the mirror. I know this is not a groundbreaking idea. In this day and age, social media and documenting everything is very mainstream. I like to joke with my friend whenever we take a photo and I don’t feel the need to look at it afterwards that it’s because “I have an entire blog dedicated to how great I look”. But latest I have been looking at photos of myself and I don’t like what I see. So here is some spilled ink about that.
The reason I bring this topic up on the blog today, is because I have been doing less “curated photoshoots” and taking more “living in the moment” photos. I look at some of the photos I take at these parties and events and I think “God I look awful. My face is round, my arm is flushed against my side, my thighs look huge, my roots are out of control, are my teeth yellow…” as if how I feel about this one picture defines the entire day. It’s been an active effort to look at these photos where I’m not looking or feeling my best, but choosing not to make it ruin my day. After all, I like to post things on my blog and on social media as more of a public diary, more than anything.
This turns into a weird cycle of being unhappy with myself and then being angry at that unhappiness. I think it’s so unfair to pick myself apart in these photos and convince myself I didn’t have a good time because of how I looked. As if any of the people I talked to are standing there, thinking “God Kim looks awful” instead of “Wow I’m so glad Kim was here to be a part of this memory“. Plus, I know for a fact everyone else is so hyper-focused on themselves that no one is really paying attention to me.
My friends are not my friends because of the way I look. My friends didn’t like me more when I was a size 8. They wouldn’t like me more if I was a size 2. They will still like me and want me around if I go up 3 more pants sizes, or go down to a size 0. I know this is true, because it would be the same for me for any of my friends.
I know there are going to be bad photos of me. It’s inevitable. But I am trying to think about how I felt in the moment while taking that photo, instead of overanalyzing how I feel now. When I’m laughing and showing off my gums or holding a friend so close my eyes are squinting, I don’t want to be so shallow that I forget the joy that I felt because I’m not meeting some unnecessary standard I set for myself. Yeah, that’s not the best photo. Yeah, I’m not crazy about my body right now. But did I have fun? Was I enjoying myself? That should
I was just stuck in the house for 2 years, unable to make new memories or see the ones I love most. And I will not sit here and give myself a hard time for not looking perfect every second of every day. I know I need to cut myself some slack. I will not skip out on making or capturing memories just because of the way I look. I have hear stories of people being upset later in life that they did not take pictures with family members or friends just because of weight gained or weight lost or some kind of physical attribute they are unhappy with. I love looking back at good times and memories made, and I refuse to limit that enjoyment because of my own perception of myself.
I am sure I am not alone in this, so I hope you all enjoyed my pep talk. We’re all in this together!
Thanks for reading! xx