Here we are again, back at my annual pre-birthday post. TBH I am having a big birthday brunch tomorrow that I really need to finish setting up (and tonight I’m doing Hot Pot in Falls Church) so time is definitely not on my side right now, but I have ink to spill! It’s crazy how much and how little can change in a year. Please refer back last year’s post, because I really feel like I smashed that one out of the park. I’ve been going back and forth on what to write to try to wrap up 12 months of being 27. And I think what the spilled ink is starting to form is: I just really want to stop comparing current me to past me.
You may be wondering, Kim – why is that your main thought, hours before your birthday? The biggest reason the thought has been invading my mind is because I just moved back home living with my parents. Last time I moved home, I had just graduated college. So I have been struggling with the idea of comparing my current self to my past self at the tender age of 22.
Whether its hyper-fixating on the new, expanded circumference of my upper arms or the new chip in my front tooth, I keep comparing my body to when I was fresh out of college and still super tiny post-jaw surgery. Typing that out is a very humbling experience because part of being 27 (almost 28) and no longer being 22 is knowing that aging and your body changing is nothing to be wary of. It’s easier said than done, but I feel like I should be glad for the changes my body has endured, because it is those changes that have gotten me here in the first place.
I don’t fear aging. I think it is a blessing to get wrinkles and grey hairs and stretch marks, because there are people who will never get to age 27, 28, 30, 35, 45, etc… But there is no way I am alone in looking back at pictures of my college body and thinking “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAD IT!” And those feelings are more consistent now that I am back home. I was wayyyy more in shape pre-pandemic.
But I’m trying to stay optimistic and cheery because nothing good ever came from beating myself up. Back in 2018, I was really hard on myself and it impacted my mental health significantly. But knowing everything I know now, after the last few years, I know there are far more important things to worry about besides the circumference of my upper arms or that chip in my front tooth.
Still thinking back on 2018, I didn’t used to feel so jaded when it came to dating. But I feel like that jaded feeling comes from years of doing something repeatedly and not getting the outcome you want. Since November of last year, I decided I wanted to be completely celibate (Mom if you’re reading this, please ignore…or don’t because I think you’d actually be thrilled to hear that!) and stop dating. I stopped even trying to date. I threw in the towel! I went into 2023 with the mindset of wanting to be “hot + selfish” and wanting to focus on myself and personal development. No dating for Kim, so all my eligible suitors had to back off! (lol)
So maybe 2023 was the year of being selfish. I’m very pleased with how much I traveled this year. I’m happy with the amount of new memories I made with my friends. I’ve accomplished a few personal goals (like finally getting a raise, wooo) and I continued to work towards other goals. But I would like 28 to involve some “intentional” dating, as my therapist puts it.
This year I told one of my best friends that I have a “tender curiosity” towards dating (don’t laugh at my word choice). As in, I’d like to know what all the hype is about! I know (from my own personal experience) that having a significant other is not the end all be all. But I am mature (and maybe even vulnerable) enough to finally admit to myself and everyone else that it’s weird being alone sometimes. It is! Our society is not geared towards single people. And while I have been so happy to live by myself and only have to think about myself, this “tender curiosity” keeps nagging at me.
In the past year or so, I’ve gone to weddings, dance recitals, birthday parties, dinner parties and on vacations by myself. Back in 2018, this used to be a point of pride for me. I used to think “how cool is this? I can take up the space of two people. I don’t need anyone“. I do think being comfortable with being alone is a gift to yourself and a skillset. But during this year, I’ve thought more and more about what it would feel like to actually have a partner by my side.
I don’t pine over the past or wish I could change anything about any past relationships (none of them were that cool anyway). I am more just looking forward to being 28 and giving dating another try. I think back on the embarrassing things I allowed myself to go through and put up with, just in the pursuit of wanting to feel wanted. GIRL! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Without every heartbreak, let down, bad date and disappointment, I wouldn’t have my current mindset towards relationships. Knowing everything I do about myself and what I am NOT willing to put up with, I am feeling confident that I can start dating again with the best intentions. I know I can be okay by myself. But I also know I’m young and I deserve to explore and date and make mistakes and see what’s out there. No matter what, I will be okay. Thank God I’m not 22 anymore and I know my worth and what I deserve. I won’t settle for anything less. If someone is not actively making my life better, I would much rather be alone. But with that being said, let’s give this dating this another go! Maybe I’ll be less cynical by the time I turn 29.
All in all, I am so proud of how far I’ve come. Moving back home after living by myself for two years definitely feels like a set back, but I am trying to shift my perspective and see it more as a reset. I think I should actually be more thrilled that I’m not the same as I was when I first moved back home at 22. I know I need to focus on not comparing my current self to my past self, and that will be a huge focus for 28.
I’ll let you in on a little surprise for tomorrow: my birthday cake (courtesy of the amazing Ash) will say “I have this thing where I get older by just never wiser” from Taylor Swift’s “Anti Hero”. Obviously I asked for those lyrics to be on my cake to reference the queen herself, but I am also using this as a humorous nod to this blog post. Every year, I know I get wiser and I can’t even list the thousands of things I know better now at almost 28 than I did at 22. And that is definitely something to celebrate.
Thanks for reading! xxx